Bee Swarming

It’s swarming season again! I wrote about why and how bees swarm a year ago. This year – it’s in the photos:

Photo #1:  a small swarm perfectly positioned:  perfect for the beekeeper/swarm catcher – it’s close to the ground – no having to balance a box on a ladder, etc.  Here I am admiring the bees with my lovely assistants and assuring the bees that I have honorable intentions – to provide a furnished home for them. What is inside the mass of bees? more bees – some hang on to the branch, others hang on to them, and others hang ….. etc. somewhere in the center is the queen.

Photo 2: the bee box is in position to receive the swarm – a quick vigorous shake of the branch to dislodge the bees – they gradually crawl inside on   the frames of beeswax foundation. what? you didn’t see the shake? “the hand is quicker than the eye.”

Photo 3:  ah! the satisfied look on the beekeeper’s face (me).

thanks to neighbors, Pete & Staci,  for calling us and offering us the swarm and thanks to Staci for the photos.

The Trials of Spring – again!

Wow! it’s been 6 weeks since my last post – many things have changed, some not.

It looks like a different world out my window: spring has matured into the abundance  of summer – it’s amazing how much plants grow with plenty of moisture. Our cool weather crops, especially the greens and brassicas are loving it. What has not changed is that we continue to have lots of rain – so much that it is challenging to get garden and farm work done.

In the gardens, we can keep up. We have raised beds and/or heavily mulched paths so that we can plant, weed, and harvest – unless the soil is really wet. We are harvesting leafy greens, asparagus, and now, strawberries. With 4 interns, visitors, and members, we get a lot done and the place is looking quite spiffy.

It’s a different story in our fields. In the last six weeks, we have had about 6 days when we could work the fields – this is the season to plant our annual spring crops. We’ve been in a pattern where it almost dries out – just before it rains again. About 10 days ago, we had about 3 days in the fields, in which we worked down green manure crops and also managed to transplant about 1.5 acres of sorghum. We had another 3 days in the fields a few days ago and transplanted the other 1.5 acres of sorghum, and planted popcorn, field corn (for cornmeal), pinto beans, black beans, yellow & brown mustard, and tillage radishes (to harvest the seed). Whew!

We had 2″ of rain yesterday – I feel lucky we got our field crops planted. We had less to plant this year:  less sorghum because we have not been selling as much, and we have not had access to about a third of our fields due to the creek washing out a bridge. The county has been working on replacing it but have been hampered by the weather as well. Hopefully, they will get it done before wheat harvest in early July.

In some ways, I feel lucky – to have all our crops planted (wheat, spelt, and green manure crops were planted last fall); on the other hand, I don’t quite trust it: when we have 2″ of rain immediately after planting, we often have to replant – seeds do not germinate well in cool water logged soils.

Ah – the joys & trials of being dependent on the weather; an example are the strawberries we are eating now: plenty of rain=lots of berries (yum!); too much rain = some mold/ferment just before they are truly ripe.

The Trials of Spring

Spring is an enchanting time of year: a time of beginnings & awakening, verdant shoots of green grass, sprightly wild flowers,  multi-colored flowering fruit trees, sap is rising, people falling in love, and so many beauteous things. For me, it is all of those – and also one of the most stressful times of the year. How so?

Spring: “sap is rising” is a common expression – my energy is up too: I wake up at 5:30, coffee, yogurt & toast, some quiet time, and then I’m ready to GO! Except that it’s cold & rainy out – not fair! Nature is geared up & my motor is revved up – with no place to go! I guess I could go fishing, repair farm equipment – but, in the rain?

THIS IS THE HARD PART – WAITING. Many think that the challenging part of farming & gardening is the work – well yes, it is a lot of work – but at least, when I am working, I feel good/productive. I can work long hours and my body aches – and it feels so good compared to “chomping at the bit” (a reference to bygone days when we worked with horses: they were ready to go and we held them back with the bit in the bridle…).

Rain – there is nothing as comforting as the sound & smell of rain when we really need it – I wake up in the night and hear the pitter-patter on the rood and ah! all is right with the world. BUT -  it is equally discouraging when we have too much. Folklore around here says you should always welcome rain – if you don’t, you’ll be looking for it soon. I know I should be thankful for the rain but by the 4th week of it – I’m ready to scream & do an anti-rain dance.

At Sandhill, we put a lot of energy into agriculture:  food for ourselves as well as to sell. In general, more of the food for ourselves is raised in gardens (smaller plots near our houses) and field crops are more for sale (although our fields are very small – the largest being 3 acres).  Most of the human energy here goes into producing food for ourselves and we eat it fresh as well as preserve it – canning, drying, & freezing. My partner, Gigi, manages a lot of the production in our gardens – which entails coordinating people to do the work – some are experienced, others are new. We have 4 interns and 2 visitors here now – they mostly work in the gardens. I manage field crops and bees – I deal with fewer people and more equipment. I note that Spring is both a high & stressful time in our lives &our relationship: there is so much to do and talk about. When the weather is ideal, we barely see each other because we are busy. When it keeps raining, we see each other a lot – and we fret about being behind schedule: we have transplants that should be in the ground; she is trying to keep people busy outside of the garden and I am trying not to work soil that is too wet.

WAITING – a challenge and difficult part of farming. Why can’t we just RELAX and enjoy – whatever the weather?? Ah why not indeed? Perhaps it’s time to read, meditate, do yoga, go for a walk, admire the wildflowers….

Failures

Failure. Ouch! We don’t like to use that word to describe our endeavors or any facet of our lives. In New Age lingo we prefer things like: missed possibilities, unfortunate circumstances, unplanned learning opportunities, new challenges, etc.

What failure?  Sandhill’s tempeh business. In our 35 years on the land here, we have experimented with various crops and products to earn income: (beginning with highest total income) sorghum syrup, honey, mustard, horseradish, condiments (salsa, relish, etc), seeds, and occasionally, fresh vegetables & fruit. For the last five years, tempeh was in the #2 spot. What happened?

First: what is tempeh? It is a cultured soybean product – originally from Indonesia. Some call it a meat substitute due to it’s high protein levels – so it is popular with vegetarians. We make it by from soybeans that we grow on the farm: the beans are cracked in half, soaked, and then boiled until soft (but not mushy), cooled and inoculated with rhizopus oligosporus (a spore, which we buy). The inoculated beans are put in one-half pound ziplock bags, flattened (like a hamburger patty), and placed in racks inside of a homemade box that maintains it at 90 – 100 degrees F for about 24 hours. During this time, the spores develop and grow throughout the soybeans making them more digestible for humans (like yogurt is to milk). We then freeze it and sell it  frozen. There are many ways to prepare it: marinate it in soy sauce, herbs & spices, or simply fry, bake, broil, etc. Tempeh ruben sandwiches are popular in restaurants.

We have been making tempeh for about 20 years – at first, just for ourselves. Other folks tried it and loved it -  so we began to sell it and it grew into a business. We sold it mostly in University towns – Columbia MO & Iowa City IA. It is  a niche market – most mid-westerners have not heard of it. It was good for us in that we could make it throughout the year – in contrast to most of our other products, which are harvested & processed mostly during the summer and fall of the year. It was a  steady income.

About a year ago, we began having  production problems. Previously our failure rate averaged 3-5%: these were pieces  in which the spores failed to develop evenly – resulting in spots that remained as  cooked soybeans – but not tempeh. We kept these for home use and simply cut out & discarded those spots when preparing it. Now, the failure rate was 60 – 100%. At first we were undaunted – here was another challenge. We cleaned and sanitized the equipment, purchased new innoculant, were extra careful about cleanliness, etc – but the problem persisted. Friends and customers had different ideas & suggestions – we tried most of them, including lab tests. Nothing made a difference.

Finally – we admitted defeat – FAILURE. We have suspended tempeh production: telling our customers was difficult. Admitting defeat was even harder. Besides the sting  of FAILURE, there were additional factors. First, value added products have always been our specialty & niche – all our products are in this category. Tempeh was our shining example of this: conventional soybeans sell for about $10/bushel; organic soybeans about $20; however, when we made them into tempeh – we received about 10 times that ($200/bu) for our beans – there’s adding value!

Secondly, the biggest challenge in making an income from a small/organic/sustainable farm is marketing. I am often queried about the challenges of growing crops organically. My stock answer is that production is not the issue – marketing is. This has been true for us: for example, we used to make and sell pesto and garlic but due to marketing challenges, we no longer do (markets for pesto were too distant & prices for garlic were too low). For most other products, we continue to put a lot of energy into marketing. Tempeh was the exception. The demand was higher than we could keep up with – we occasionally hired folks to help with production. We hated to give up a product that sold itself but, we’ve tried everything we know to do.

Various one-liners/saying come to mind:  Nay Nay, our 12 year old, is fond of saying: “this is the exception that proves the rule.”

Down ‘N Dirty On The Farm

Now that I have your attention, I trust you won’t be disappointed.

The heading could suggest soil/dirt/fertility/etc. BUT what I have in mind is what could be considered the down side of country/rural living. Huh? Again, the possibilities are myriad:  isolation(cultural/technological), having to drive distances for services or to see friends; however, my topic here is CAFOs – Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations – aka “factory farms”. Yikes – there’s a heavy subject…

I moved to Sandhill in 1980 – I’d never heard of cafo and as far as I know, neither had anyone else in this county of 5000. Today cafos are a hot topic in many rural areas – due to the evolution of current American agriculture – others have written about it, notably Michael Pollen, Wendell Berry, etc.

Back to my story:  I’d been aware of cafos for 10-15 years, but it became personal 7 months ago when we heard that our county commissioners had rescinded our local health ordinance – so what’s the big deal? We find out that a local health ordinance is the only way residents in Missouri can establish more restrictive regulations on cafos because the DNR (Department of Natural Resources) under a Republican administration is anything but what the name would indicate. So – why did the commissioners rescind the health ordinance? Apparently, the ordinance has been in place for 4 years because some of our neighbors convinced the commissioners we needed it. They rescinded it last September because they felt pressured by both pro and anti cafo proponents. In response, some of us become alarmed and spontaneously form a group to get a health ordinance reinstated. My partner, Gigi, is very active and becomes the focal person in a leaderless group, which has been holding public meetings to educate folks on the health, environmental, and social effects of cafos. We have also been meeting with the commissioners to reinstate a new ordinance.

Here is a message that I posted to our group recently:

This is Stan’s summary of recent events and is lengthy – keeping things short & sweet doesn’t appear to be one of my gifts….
Warning:  this may be upsetting – you may want to fix yerself a cup of relaxing beverage, breathe deep, etc

What a tumultuous time we’ve had the last few days – where to begin?
After months of working on a proposed new health ordinance (mostly by Garth, Gigi, Marty, & Rudy), a series of public educational events, and meeting with the commissioners, we thought we were on track with getting the ordinance in place soon – in fact, the commissioners had already scheduled the first hearing; after another hearing and perhaps some minor revisions, the ordinance would be passed. Everything appeared to be going smoothly – we were definitely hopeful.

That all fell apart on Wed night. What happened?
For several days previous, we heard that some producers had concerns about the proposed ordinance and were having a private meeting with the commissioners. That sparked our curiosity and after some enquireies, it appeared that the meeting was called by Mennonite producers and that dairy producers were involved. Gigi talked to Paul Campbell, who assured us that since the commissioners were going to be there, it had to be an open meeting. Tuesday night Gigi calls one of the organizers to warn him that we planned to attend. He told her that we were definitely not invited or welcome there. When she pressed him, he grudgingly conceded that they would not throw us out. Whew! Do we really want to go where people don’t want us? We talk to Marty, Garth, Rudy, etc, and decide yes, we need to be there. At this point, “we” meant Garth, Joni, Rudy, Judy, Marty, Genese, Gigi, & me.

Wednesday morning: someone leaves a message on Dancing Rabbit’s (a neigboring ecovillage) answering machine that feels threatening: “you are not welcome at this meeting. It is being held on private land and is a private event. We know who you are and what you are up to. If you do come, it will be a matter of public knowledge…”  Gigi & I assume that the message was meant for us – folks often lump sandhill & dancing rabbit people together and no one at DR is active in this group.
I am outraged and stew about it all day – I was born & raised Mennonite – this does not fit my idea of my heritage….
so what are they hiding and/or afraid of? what could we possibly do to them?
Later in the day, I mention the incident to Marty who mentions it to someone else….. then, Gigi gets a phone call from one of the organizers – saying that the phone call did not come from them (wonder who “them” is?) Then a phone call from Rick Fisher asking where is this meeting?? How did he know (we’d thought this was a private affair). Rick had been told that it was a dairy meeting and that he should check it out. Ok, if Rick is going to be there, it feels less threatening…. at the same time, this may be a bigger deal than we’d thought??

That last sentence was an understatement – it was a big deal. There were more than a hundred there: mostly Mennonite but there were quite a few others as well. Copies of the proposed ordinance were on the tables. The meeting began with a statement from Paul C about the proposed ordinance – general details only. Then followed a series of speakers from the industry: a local dairy producer, representatives from Cargil, nutrient management systems, etc. All of the presentations were anti-ordinance and anti regulation in general.
A major surprise for us: our group had assumed that the ordinance did not apply to the dairy operations; however, everyone there thought it did – gradually it sunk in for us: the way the ordinance was written, it could apply to them. Another realization: I had always separated the hog cafos from the dairies because, after all, cows go out to pasture, right? WRONG! Dairy producers there told me that the general practice is that only dry cows are out on pasture – and only for about 2 months of the year; other cows are in loafing sheds & lots – but not on pasture. Yikes!  it appears that the dairies are much more like cafos than I’d thought.

Back to the meeting – how to describe it? There was an energy build up that was anti-ordinance. Not a single positive aspect of regulation was mentioned – rather, we should just all be good neighbors. The speakers used classic scare tactics: “it starts here, then they go after this… and this… etc.” The feeling I get is that anyone advocating this ordinance must be animal rights advocates and anti-livestock (even though all of us there have livestock). The energy peaks with presiding commissioner, Mike Stephenson, apologizing to the group for his role in instituting the first ordinance and that he is against any new one – wild applause! That energy keeps going – there are “testimonials” – local producers lauding modern technology and how it helps them feed the world. It keeps going & going. At various times, one of us raises a question or expresses an alternative viewpoint, but the tide was swamps us. Finally, Garth points out that there is a general spirit of fear pervading the group – raised by outside industry folks; again, the energy swirls around his words and is ignored in the anti-regulation wave – it borders on hysteria.

We are devastated – we keep looking at each other like: we’re dead. period. How could this happen?
After the meeting ends, some of us stay on for another hour or so talking to various folks. Personally, I feel hesitant to go talk to people I’ve known for years – maybe they do not want to be associated with me? On the other hand, several come to me, introduce themselves, and we have friendly conversations that usually ended on a note of: yes, we all want to be good neighbors. Gigi is like a celebrity: she is surrounded by a circle of mostly young men with very spirited conversations.

NOW WHAT??? that’s how we go home. Can we salvage anything? Gigi & I take turns keeping a spark of hope alive.

Gigi had already scheduled a meeting of our group with the commissioners for 9 am on Thursday – the next morning. I am surprised to find 3 of the Mennonite producers there as well (I guess that’s fair: we went to their meeting, they come to ours..). We talk for about an hour and a half – mostly between the cafo folks and us – not the commissioners. A lot of good honest opinions and views are exchanged. Commissioner Paul finally tells us that we need to select several folks from each side and come up with a document that we can all support – because the commissioners will only pass a document that everyone supports.
That is how we left it: Garth is responsible for getting representatives from our group.

Energetically: I felt very discouraged after Wed night’s meeting. I noted that I feel more hopeful after Thursday morning.
However, it also seems that there is a power imbalance: we want an ordinance, they do not. We have to come to an agreement to forge a new ordinance: it seems that we will have to concede whatever they feel strongly about – otherwise, no agreement which means no ordinance.

The reason I am writing this – rather than Gigi: she is a little burned out on this now and is outside in the sunshine being physically active.

Note: the day after this post (yesterday), I posted another message – an invitation to the first monthly potluck/social evening for our anti-cafo group – to reinforce our positive energy!

The Mystery in Agriculture

My friend Donald, a pagan witch, oft refers to “the mysterious ones”; in my paradigm, the reference is to the spirits or gods/goddesses that are in nature and daily life. Although I can’t see them, I sense their presences around me. I like the “mysterious” part because that is how I experience various non physical forces/energies.

So what does this have to do with agriculture? When I plant a seed, I have a picture of what the plant will look like – BUT no idea if it will be sickly or vigorous,  whether the return/yield will be zero or a hundredfold. It  depends on weather, genetics, soil fertility, care, etc – and yet, to me, the sum of these factors does not account for the variation in the vigor of plants and their yield. I prefer to ascribe the difference to – the “mysterious ones”.

Example:  our  maple harvest. We have been tapping maple trees at Sandhill for 21 years now. During 2002 – 08, the number of trees we tapped/harvested remained constant and everything that we earthlings did was the same. The return/yield varied from 30 to 115 quarts of syrup. Why the difference? Supposedly, it all depends on the weather:  ideal weather is when the nights are below freezing and the days are above freezing. I have not attempted to correlate the ideal temperature factor with maple yields – but my impression is that there is NOT a direct correlation – leaving certain amount of variation as:  mysterious.

This year’s maple seasson broke all records and most everything I thought I knew.  I grew up on a farm and am used to being surprized at yields – but this one took my breath away. The season began as usual: 2 weeks later, we had 3 days of 60+ temperatures and nights that did not go below freezing. DANG!  I feared the season was finished – before it really began (ok, we had maybe 20 gallons of sap). Then the temperatures went up & down, the sap flowed – but it seemed different;  it was slower to start when it warmed and then ran longer when it stayed warm.  In the end, we had an all time record harvest by far: 168 quarts – almost 50% higher than our previous record! I’m ecstatic – and totally in awe:  how did this happen? How to explain?

The Mysterious Ones strike again. Thank you for keeping me humble…

Blessed Be.

Maple Sugaring open house

We had our first ever maple sugaring/syrup open house on March 7, 2009. The photo on the left with Renay sucking on the tube connected to a tap in the maple tree headlined our invite. You can see 2 blue tubes attached to taps in the maple tree – this was the first stop on our open house tour.

When we mailed out our invitations, we hoped for good weather; a few days before the scheduled open house, the forecast was for 80% chances for rain – bummer! Miraculously, the rain held off.

The photo is of our shitake logs which are close to sugar shack (where we boil the sap) and so on our tour folks see them and want to know all about them. The spots on the logs are where we drilled holes, packed in spawn (shitake spores mixed with sawdust) and then sealed with our own beeswax.

The photo on the left shows the maple sap cooking in the pan in the foreground – see the steam off to the left? The smiling faces are students from Truman University in Kirksville (about 35 miles from us) -who came for the open house. I am the 3rd person from left – trying to blend in with the younger crowd.

Naturally, we had tasting experiences: maple sap, syrup, and 2 experiments of maple candy – shown in the photo on the right (we were worried that if a lot of folks came, there might not be enough candy – hence the sign requesting one per person). The tasting was a great hit – I neglected to include the sap in the photo – it looks like water and tastes like water with a faint hint of maple/sweetness in it. It’s hard to imagine the sap being the only ingredient in the syrup & candy.

The final photo is of one of our guests, Melinda – an enthusiastic sampler of the maple candy. It’s hard to see – but there is a trail of candy (as thin as a spider’s web, or leg?) from the candy in her hand to her mouth. Ah – the look on her face says it all: divine! We had a great time at the maple open house.

Organic Farming conferences

This is the time of year for farming conferences – I go to the organic ones. On Feb 21, I attend the annual Missouri Organic Association’s conference.  I have been the vice president for the past two years and in charge of the trade show(so I had to be there – but I always go anyway). The following weekend, several friends and I went to a 2 day Upper Midwest Organic Farming conference in LaCrosse WI.

The two are typical: there are similarities as well as differences. The primary difference is the size: we had about a hundred folks at the local MOA one while there were over 2600 registered at the LaCrosse one. The local one is cozy – most of us know each other and the feeling is like a gathering of the clan. The larger one feels more like being a part of a movement; most of the year, us organic folx feel like a minority – we are constantly talking about why organic is important, how to source and/or produce organic products, etc. Often we producers are alone or one of a handful of organic producers in our county. At the conference, I am one of 2600 (that’s more than half of the population of my entire county!). The feeling is different – we are significant, we are the movers/shakers in agriculture – rah!rah!rah!

The topics of the workshops are similar: basic soil biology & fertility, organic weed and pest control, livestock production and health, fruit and vegetable production, small grains,  row crops,  organic certification, various marketing strategies – local/niche, web-based, tell your personal story, etc., sustainable practices, biological diversity, funding opportunities in the new farm program, etc.

Again, the difference is scale:  at our local conference, we have two concurrent sessions; at the big one, there are 10 workshops happening simultanously. Which ones do I go to? I look at the descriptions, consult my oracle, and in the end, it does not seem to matter that much – I have been attending these type of conferences for more than 25 years – of course, there is new stuff, but not that much – I have heard most of it before. What keeps me coming back to these conferences are the personal connections:   some folx I see only once a year, others a few times. I go to the larger conference every 2 or 3 years and so I see folx  I haven’t seen in a few years:  it feels balanced to be part of the local scene as well as part of a lager movement.

Cost? Registration at the local conference is about 1/10th of the larger one; and then there is lodging. If you are a speaker/ presenter – your expenses are paid. Most of the time, I am just attending and so lodging is my expense. At the local conference, it is easier – I have friends nearby I can stay with (it’s not as convenient and occasionally, I miss out on other stuff that’s happening) but it’s affordable. This time, even at the large conference, we stay with friends of friends in the area – and, of course, there are benefits – they have a fruit orchard and are VERY hospitable – so I make new friends AND do not pay the friggin franchise hotels in town to put me up.

Winter – another paradox for farmers: we tend to draw inward, be introspective, and recharge our energies – and then we got to conferences, resuscitate our social energy and be reminded of our interconnectedness.

My Vipassana Experience

This post does not fall into the agricultural theme, but then life is seamless, right? One thing leads to another… This is one example of what some of us farmers do in the off season.

I completed a 10 day Vipassana meditation course in Northern Illinois Jan 14-25, 09.

Why did I go?

• for about 10 years now, I’ve had friends do these. Everyone indicated they had a good experience and it was well worth it (it’s free!).
• I have a lot of negativity in me – most of the time I repress it – but it’s wearisome. I realize that the real victim of the negativity is me. I’ve tried a variety of methods to root it out/come to terms with it; many helped – but it’s still there. I’d love to get rid of it. So – I’ll try this!

For more info:

See the Vipassana website: http://www.dhamma.org

My fellow communard, Laird, did the same course 2 weeks before me and blogged about it (Jan 8-15) – access it via: www.sandhillfarm.org

The cast: 40 students, 20 men, 20 women, an on site teacher, a liaison person for women, another for men, and several folx who prepare the meals – 2 for women, 2 for men.

The course is taught by Goenka (India), who claims that the method originated with Gautama, the Buddha, 2500 years ago and that the key is the technique – it is experiential (rather than intellectual knowledge).

Format: each meditation session is introduced and ended by Goenka (on audio tape); in between, there is silence – to practice the meditation. Every evening there is a 75 minute “discourse” by Goenka on video tape (taped in 1991 – he was in his 70s?). The on site teacher (American) controls the tapes and is available for questions.

Hours for Meditating: 4:30 am – 9 pm. 10-12 hours total. Breaks for meal times.

For 3 – 1 hour periods, we all meditate in the Meditation Hall (MH). We have assigned positions – we sit on a 2’ x 3’ mat in the same place every time. The discourses are also in the MH. Various other times we are given instructions by Goenka and then free to meditate in the MH or in our rooms.

Strict separation of sexes: in the MH, women are on one side, men on the other. In the dining hall, a curtain divides the space in half. Walking paths from dormitory to MH and dining hall for men and women are totally separate.

We have no reading or writing materials and no phones.

Course Overview

Days 1-3 Sharpening the Mind – prelude to Vipassana

Days 4-10 Vipassana Meditation

Days 1-9 Noble silence – not supposed to look at each other or communicate in any way.

Midmorning of day 10, the silence ends (except in the MH).

SO – HOW WAS IT????

I had no idea that the first 3 days were not really Vipassana – did I miss that in the description or did they not want me to know? Anyway, the first 2 days, Goenka intones: “focus all your attention on the breath – in the nose-trils and the upper lip”(in an endearing Indian accent). Those words still ring in my ears.

Day 1. I get off on focusing my attention on my breath – of course, every few seconds, my mind wanders….. but Goenka is understanding “ah yes, that is what the mind likes to do, wander; in fact, the mind always dwells in the past or in the future, it has no idea of how to live in the present moment – which is, after all, all we have – the past is gone and the future is yet to come – but since the mind does not know how to handle the present, it does not want any other part of you to be there – so it is constantly taking you elsewhere….” so true. One of my constant distractions: I plan to write about this experience…. how can I possibly remember 10 days of mental trips?

In his first discourse tonight, Goenka was inspiring – YES! I too can overcome all odds & become enlightened!

Day 2. By the end of the day, I’m bored with the “breath in my nose-trils”. But I am getting better at focusing my attention/mind. Then I realize that I can double- track: sometimes my mind can focus on my breath and be wandering at the same time. (Is that cheating?)

The discourse tonight was a downer: he told us of all the precepts/moral values we need to embrace – including no drugs, alcohol, immorality, etc. Dang! I can’t possibly do that (at least, I don’t want to).

Day 3. Whoopee! Something new in our meditation technique: “now focus all your attention on the triangle between your nostrils and your upper lip.” Yikes! I was feeling circumscribed before – now, it’s getting even smaller. After a day of this, my mind rebels THIS IS NOT HELPFUL! I CAME HERE TO GET RID OF NEGATIVITY – I AM SO FRIGGIN TIRED OF THIS SMALL TRIANGLE ON MY UPPER LIP!! (Remember, I had no idea the first 3 days were introductory; I just figgered this is IT).

By the end of the day, I am very discouraged – this is really not what I want to be doing. I find myself fasting (it is officially discouraged) – I am simply not interested in food. At dusk, I go walking – this time not on the prescribed paths. I walk among the trees – wow, they are mostly hard maples, big beautiful trees, some more than 4’ in diameter, many more than a 100 years old. Slowly, I get grounded – the pristine snow (about 1’ deep), the trees, dusk, stars, I come back to my center – my joy. Hey! I’m canadian – I’ve always loved playing in the snow. I recall the 5 point star that I loved to draw on paper as a kid. I figger out how to do it by making a path in the snow – big ones – 30’ in diameter. THIS IS FUN! I want to share my joy – so I make several beside the main path we men walk between the dormitory and the MH/dining hall. Ding! I realize it is also a pentagram, a pagan symbol. Aha, it is welcoming the nature spirits/devas to this place – way cool!

Day 4. I am walking to MH at 4:30 am and beside my pentagrams in the snow, someone spelled out in big letters: “ME” and “I” (last nite’s discourse was all about how I and me are illusory). I chuckle/smile for quite awhile.

I’m BORED with meditating on my upper lip – I was hoping for something new from Goenka this morning – NOTHING! I try to make the best of it, but feel I’m actually losing concentration. TOO SLOW. To make things worse, when I meditate now, it feels as if there is a clamp on my right ear (about the size of a clothes pin & about as strong). When I quit meditating, it goes away. What’s that about??

(In the meantime, there were notices on the bulletin board that there is a Special Session at 2 pm today, introducing Vipassana Meditation by Goenka – how did I miss that? Maybe cuz I was fasting, or just in a pissy mood??) Fortunately, I am in the MH at 2 pm when I hear a bell – what’s that? Not the usual time. I look around at faces – no clues. I go in to meditate and Goenka tells us that focusing on the breath was sharpening the mind – leading up to Vipassana. Now we’re gonna do the real thing! AWRIGHT!

Now we are to focus our attention on feeling physical sensations in our body: start at “de top of de head and go down to de tip of de toes, passing over every part of the body”. (He outlines a specific procedure to follow). According to Goenka, every part of our body has sensations in it – our job is to feel/tune in to them.

Day 5. And that’s what we do for the rest of the course (of course, I don’t know that – I assume that other techniques will be introduced later.)

I get into it: gradually, I feel sensations over various parts of my body – mostly, they are tingling sensations – like, hello, yes, I am alive and functioning. Until now I mostly associated sensations with pain – when I hurt myself or feel achy. I never considered that these sensations were there all the time. I am quite entertained by mapping these sensations: some areas “tingle”, others feel opaque – I can’t feel anything there. Some areas are “clear & sunny”(tingling), others are cloudy – their density is intriguing: some are light (I can maneuver around & thru them), some more dense (my mind can’t penetrate them but feel the outer edges), others are like lightening – sharp & pointed – feels like a dagger, or a deeply rooted tree. When my consciousness probes it, I feel the pain acutely – often, it’s welcome pain – like a massage on sore muscles; other times, it’s overpowering – I can’t focus on anything else.

Anyway, this is new and exciting; however, after 2 days of the same sequence, I’m getting bored again. At dusk, I feel feisty – what to do? Ah, snow angels! I make several and then decide to share my joy – I make a couple beside the path to the Dining hall. FUN! I am also enjoying eating again.

Day 6. Yeah! Something new: Goenka instructs us to also go “from de tip of de toes to de top of de head”. Now we are to go in both directions. That keeps my attention for a day or so.

I look forward to the evening discourses: Goenka is a good speaker – he sits in a chair and talks for 75 minutes, no notes. He is entertaining, thot provoking and generally inspiring about the Vipassana technique.

WHAT’S THIS??? Under my snow angel, someone wrote (in the snow): “Snow Angel or Devil – Diablo”. I am dumbfounded – I’ve never heard of a snow devil. Then, under it all, someone wrote: “Equanimity”. That’s right – no judgment. Goodness, this stuff in the snow is becoming DRAMA.

Day 7. I remember that I am here because of those negative tapes I keep playing – how am I doing there? UFFDA! Not so well, here is a short snippet: I am in the dining hall and note that the person who arrived after me, did not pull the door completely shut. My reaction is immediate: WHAT THE HECK? YOU’VE BEEN HERE 7 DAYS AND NOT NOTICED YOU HAVE TO PULL THE DOOR TO CLOSE IT?? Whoa! Why is my reaction so strong? This person is not bombing kids in Iraq – he simply did not pull the door shut. Next: I am standing in the food line – “why is that person taking so long to decide what they want for breakfast? We have the same stuff every day – has he not figgered that out??? And then the other guy – why is he taking so much food? He does not need all that food. And why is he taking so much time with tea?? (Wait – am I in a hurry? Where am I going? To do what?)

I am constantly making judgments (negative) about people – why?

I have no answer – that’s why I’m here….

Day 8. I notice that I am eating mindfully. I eat very slowly, chewing a lot, taking the time to thank every person who has contributed to the food that I am eating. Just for fun, I count my chews – 199 on one stewed prune; 25 minutes to eat a bowl of granola. YUM!

BUT – I’m getting bored again with the meditation technique – OK, Goenka, I’m ready for the final installment of the technique. BUT instead of talking about meditation, he outlines the next 2 days – no new technique! Did I miss something?? Any hints I didn’t catch? It gradually seeps into my bones – THIS IS IT! How can it be? Feeling sensations in various parts of my body will lead to enlightenment?? I keep reviewing the technique & everything he has said – this is it.

OK, I go over it for the umpteenth time: it’s all about the mind-body connection and cravings & aversions. According to Goenka, when we experience physical sensations, eg a sound, we classify it as giving pleasure or the opposite; if pleasure, we want to duplicate it and so develop a craving for it; if it’s unpleasant, we have an aversion toward it and seek to avoid it. These cravings/aversions are biochemical reactions and are etched into our “hard drive”. Goenka calls these sankharas – it’s like tying an emotional knot. Then – when we experience new sensations, they trigger related cravings/aversions – already in our hard drive. This explains why sometimes our reactions are out of all proportion, eg, my experience in the dining hall I described in day 7 above. Both cravings & aversions create misery in our lives – the way out is to not have either. That’s easier said than done. The big question: how to get rid of sankharas and not generate new ones? The answer: equanimity! Or the state of being equanimous: from equal – no good/bad or right/wrong. IT JUST IS.

The whole technique is about sensing/feeling things as they are – not how we want them to be. If we have no judgment as to whether our experiences are right/wrong, then we will not have cravings or aversions… and thus no more sankharas! According to Goenka, when no more sankharas are generated, then the backlog of them get discharged during meditation. Those tingling sensations? they are light sankharas – like waves in the water; and then there are the DEEP ones – the knots – they are old/deep sankharas – they are etched in rock. But – if you meditate enough, all those old sankharas flow thru you and your load is lightened –until finally – you reach ENLIGHTENMENT!! According to Goenka, it will probably take several life times of meditating to get there….

DAY 9. I’m still getting used to the fact that this is all there is to it. I was looking for something more glamorous; altho I have to admit – achieving equanimousness is very challenging. When feeling sensations in my body, I constantly think of them as pleasure/pain: the tingling is pleasure, the hard knots are pain – I want to get rid of them. BUT in this paradigm, they are considered tools – a vehicle for moving stuff through the system – discharging sankharas.

In the morning meditation, Goenka intones: “as you continue this practice, you may get to the place where you don’t have any major knots and you are feeling sensations on every part of your body. In that case, you can go inside your body and feel sensations thru out the inside of your body, and then after that ….” He goes on to list various phases we may experience. I tune him out – it’ll take me years to get to that place (if EVER).

That afternoon, I’m meditating in my room, and suddenly, I’m there – the place Goenka talked about this morning! I can’t believe it! I thot it would take years to get there – now what?? I follow the instructions – I go inside my body – feeling sensations there – I’m totally HIGH. And I don’t encounter any dark spots or resistance – really? I check again and can’t find any resistance. I feel totally exhilarated and very light. Wait – it’s time for the afternoon session in the MH. I walk thru the maple grove – I feel so light – like half of normal gravity. My mind & body are buzzing. I’m very excited – this is the new ME – light & airy!

I’m wondering – should I ask the teacher about the phases Goenka talked about this morning because I might be there! Miraculously, Goenka repeats the same explanation in the next session. OH OH! I forgot something. He warns that if you get to the light body feeling, it is a precarious place – you think it’s gonna last – but remember – everything passes, nothing is permanent. Stay equanimous – OOPS – I think I blew it – within minutes, I feel myself crashing. I have massive pain: the clamp on my right ear extends through my head to the other side and then down my back. I am immobilized by this cramp/pain and can’t focus on any other sensations. This feels like instant karma. It was such chutzpah to think I had advanced so far – now, I’m paying for it (am I trapped in my old xian cosmology – you gotta pay for your sins?). By the end of the hour, I’m back to a more balanced and equanimous place. This too will pass – sooner than later, I’m praying – dang! I did it again! Not supposed to hope/pray something will pass – it’s another sankhara! I’m back in the dumps – will I ever make any progress? I lose my equanimity so easily.

Day 10. I’m feeling sad that it’s about over. Maybe becuz last nite I realized that to continue this process is gonna be a lot work – I have a huge backlog. But – what else is there? What other program can I think of to ease my negativity? I may as well try this – my stuff is definitely stirred up. I decide to continue this practice (Goenka’s suggestion is to meditate an hour in the morning and an hour at night every day for a year). I decide to give it 3 months.

At 10 am, Noble Silence ends. I’m thinking – we’ve become so used to this silence, people will probably not talk right away or only in hushed tones if they do. WRONG! I go to my room to meditate and the dormitory is BUZZING – maybe there are only a few people talking, but in contrast to the previous silence, the sounds seem to reverberate. I take refuge in the MH and note that there are about 5-10 others there (mostly older folx). Later, we talk about it, the transition was too sudden for us – we preferred to less noise. At lunch, we are all talking – I make sure I get to know a few guys that I find particularly interesting. That nite the dorm is buzzing with conversations.

During the evening meditation and next morning, Goenka gives us one last meditation exercise – for world peace, “let all beings be happy.” I’ve heard it before – from friends who have done Vipassana. I like it. But Goenka draws out the chanting and the words v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y – it’s excruciating & painful to listen to – a total turn off. I can’t wait for it to be over. I wonder: does this work in India? – certainly not here. Later, I check my reaction with another student – he had the same response – whew! at least, I’m not the only one.

Day 11. After a last Goenka discourse at 4:45 am and then breakfast at 6:30, it’s over. We clean our bedrooms & bathrooms, and volunteers clean all the common areas. The mood is effervescent. I don’t linger too long because I’ve scheduled an organic inspection on my way back home.

I’ve brought a bucket of sorghum for a donation to the kitchen at the Center. On impulse, I hand out small jars of sorghum to everyone I meet as I am leaving the dormitory and dining hall. Goenka had talked of service – to give for the joy of it – expecting nothing in return. We all experience that joy: giving/receiving.

BACK HOME. I’ve been home 2 weeks now and am continuing to meditate for an hour twice a day. Morning sessions feel more productive than evening ones (I’ve missed and/or cut short several evening ones). I feel a diminishing enthusiasm for the whole thing – but for now, I’m continuing.

Results?

• I feel lighter – like my karmic baggage is lessening…
• I am more aware of the mind-body connection – the interplay of energies between my mental and physical states.
• I am more aware of my body – how it feels, especially when I wake up, but also thru out the day. I am still amazed at the different sensations in various parts of my body and how they change: by the hour and day. (Also, I had assumed it would be easier to feel sensations in the more sensitive parts of my body – eg lips, nipples, penis, scrotum, anus. NOT SO! Exactly the opposite; in fact, I did not feel sensations there until after the course, when I meditated at home.)
• I fear that the edge of my mental sharpness is dulling: when I meditate now, I frequently double track – checking my physical sensations is on “auto pilot”, allowing my mind to wander…
• It seems that at least ¾ of the blockages/pain (sankharas?) I feel are on the right side of my body – the right ear no longer has a clamp on it, but that side of my head is often numb during meditation.

* I think I am less reactive – I check my automatic responses more quickly.

• I feel (hope?) I am less judgmental – I still notice the little things that people do that annoy me – but they don’t have the same weight – I can see more easily why folx do what they do & why they do them.
• I am aware of spending a lot of time/energy running scenarios thru my mind; in fact, I appear to be addicted to playing out future scenes in my head before they ever happen. I want to get it “right” – so I won’t feel embarrassed later. When I catch myself in this cycle, I try to STOP it – “don’t worry, I’ll get there…”
• Have I changed/am I a new person? Don’t worry – you’ll recognize me….

Ruminations:

• central contradiction: Goenka claims this method leads to ego dissolution; yet the whole process is one of self absorption: IT’S ALL ABOUT ME.
• Cosmology: the cultural cradle of Vipassana is India (Eastern), Hindu/Buddhism; I find myself comparing/translating it into the paradigm I grew up with – Western, Christian; eg, sankhara = sin; nirvana = heaven; pleasure/pain = good/evil, etc.

What do Farmers do in Winter?

Disclaimer:  I speak only for myself.

Short answer:  kick back, relax, and recharge (we put out a lot of energy in the growing season; like the earth & plants, winter is a time to draw inside, slow down, and let things be).

Details:  one of my priorities is recreation – ice skating, cross country skiing, reading, walking in the woods. When there is good ice to skate or snow to ski – better do it now because in these parts, it’s not to be taken for granted – it could melt, get snowed on, etc, in short, outdoor recreation comes first. In the photo below, we had plenty of ice, but it was quite warm; since we could not skate, we rode our bicycles on the ice on the pond.

Of course, there is work: cutting firewood, cooking, keeping up with housework & maintenance, stoking fires, etc. We heat all our buildings with food fires: 2 residences, a common house (kitchen, office), a green house, and a workshop – so we burn a lot of wood (and then there’s the wood to process sorghum & maple syrup). Also,  people travel during the winter to see family & friends, but the buildings need to be kept warm to keep water pipes and/or plants from freezing.

There are plenty of maintenance jobs: keeping buildings weather proofed, building bee boxes, plumbing repairs, etc. Items that may not come readily to mind:  planning next year’s crops – including seeds, cleaning some of last year’s seeds, making tempeh & mustard, market research,  etc.

Winter is also the time when there are organic/sustainable farming & gardening workshops and conferences. I will be going to conferences the next 2 weekends and will post on those. We are already doing maple syrup and taking care of honey bees (it’s a lot of work going thru the equipment in preparation for next year).

We also take time for personal growth:  catching up on reading (business & novels too!): at various times in our history, we put a lot of energy into a “retreat” – when our community would focus on long term goals, improving our interpersonal relationships, etc. We would invite an outside facilitator to introduce a new technique and work with us to clear the air between us. Lately, we have focused more on individual growth than a group process.

My next post is an example of a recent personal growth initiative.