My Vipassana Experience

This post does not fall into the agricultural theme, but then life is seamless, right? One thing leads to another… This is one example of what some of us farmers do in the off season.

I completed a 10 day Vipassana meditation course in Northern Illinois Jan 14-25, 09.

Why did I go?

• for about 10 years now, I’ve had friends do these. Everyone indicated they had a good experience and it was well worth it (it’s free!).
• I have a lot of negativity in me – most of the time I repress it – but it’s wearisome. I realize that the real victim of the negativity is me. I’ve tried a variety of methods to root it out/come to terms with it; many helped – but it’s still there. I’d love to get rid of it. So – I’ll try this!

For more info:

See the Vipassana website: http://www.dhamma.org

My fellow communard, Laird, did the same course 2 weeks before me and blogged about it (Jan 8-15) – access it via: www.sandhillfarm.org

The cast: 40 students, 20 men, 20 women, an on site teacher, a liaison person for women, another for men, and several folx who prepare the meals – 2 for women, 2 for men.

The course is taught by Goenka (India), who claims that the method originated with Gautama, the Buddha, 2500 years ago and that the key is the technique – it is experiential (rather than intellectual knowledge).

Format: each meditation session is introduced and ended by Goenka (on audio tape); in between, there is silence – to practice the meditation. Every evening there is a 75 minute “discourse” by Goenka on video tape (taped in 1991 – he was in his 70s?). The on site teacher (American) controls the tapes and is available for questions.

Hours for Meditating: 4:30 am – 9 pm. 10-12 hours total. Breaks for meal times.

For 3 – 1 hour periods, we all meditate in the Meditation Hall (MH). We have assigned positions – we sit on a 2’ x 3’ mat in the same place every time. The discourses are also in the MH. Various other times we are given instructions by Goenka and then free to meditate in the MH or in our rooms.

Strict separation of sexes: in the MH, women are on one side, men on the other. In the dining hall, a curtain divides the space in half. Walking paths from dormitory to MH and dining hall for men and women are totally separate.

We have no reading or writing materials and no phones.

Course Overview

Days 1-3 Sharpening the Mind – prelude to Vipassana

Days 4-10 Vipassana Meditation

Days 1-9 Noble silence – not supposed to look at each other or communicate in any way.

Midmorning of day 10, the silence ends (except in the MH).

SO – HOW WAS IT????

I had no idea that the first 3 days were not really Vipassana – did I miss that in the description or did they not want me to know? Anyway, the first 2 days, Goenka intones: “focus all your attention on the breath – in the nose-trils and the upper lip”(in an endearing Indian accent). Those words still ring in my ears.

Day 1. I get off on focusing my attention on my breath – of course, every few seconds, my mind wanders….. but Goenka is understanding “ah yes, that is what the mind likes to do, wander; in fact, the mind always dwells in the past or in the future, it has no idea of how to live in the present moment – which is, after all, all we have – the past is gone and the future is yet to come – but since the mind does not know how to handle the present, it does not want any other part of you to be there – so it is constantly taking you elsewhere….” so true. One of my constant distractions: I plan to write about this experience…. how can I possibly remember 10 days of mental trips?

In his first discourse tonight, Goenka was inspiring – YES! I too can overcome all odds & become enlightened!

Day 2. By the end of the day, I’m bored with the “breath in my nose-trils”. But I am getting better at focusing my attention/mind. Then I realize that I can double- track: sometimes my mind can focus on my breath and be wandering at the same time. (Is that cheating?)

The discourse tonight was a downer: he told us of all the precepts/moral values we need to embrace – including no drugs, alcohol, immorality, etc. Dang! I can’t possibly do that (at least, I don’t want to).

Day 3. Whoopee! Something new in our meditation technique: “now focus all your attention on the triangle between your nostrils and your upper lip.” Yikes! I was feeling circumscribed before – now, it’s getting even smaller. After a day of this, my mind rebels THIS IS NOT HELPFUL! I CAME HERE TO GET RID OF NEGATIVITY – I AM SO FRIGGIN TIRED OF THIS SMALL TRIANGLE ON MY UPPER LIP!! (Remember, I had no idea the first 3 days were introductory; I just figgered this is IT).

By the end of the day, I am very discouraged – this is really not what I want to be doing. I find myself fasting (it is officially discouraged) – I am simply not interested in food. At dusk, I go walking – this time not on the prescribed paths. I walk among the trees – wow, they are mostly hard maples, big beautiful trees, some more than 4’ in diameter, many more than a 100 years old. Slowly, I get grounded – the pristine snow (about 1’ deep), the trees, dusk, stars, I come back to my center – my joy. Hey! I’m canadian – I’ve always loved playing in the snow. I recall the 5 point star that I loved to draw on paper as a kid. I figger out how to do it by making a path in the snow – big ones – 30’ in diameter. THIS IS FUN! I want to share my joy – so I make several beside the main path we men walk between the dormitory and the MH/dining hall. Ding! I realize it is also a pentagram, a pagan symbol. Aha, it is welcoming the nature spirits/devas to this place – way cool!

Day 4. I am walking to MH at 4:30 am and beside my pentagrams in the snow, someone spelled out in big letters: “ME” and “I” (last nite’s discourse was all about how I and me are illusory). I chuckle/smile for quite awhile.

I’m BORED with meditating on my upper lip – I was hoping for something new from Goenka this morning – NOTHING! I try to make the best of it, but feel I’m actually losing concentration. TOO SLOW. To make things worse, when I meditate now, it feels as if there is a clamp on my right ear (about the size of a clothes pin & about as strong). When I quit meditating, it goes away. What’s that about??

(In the meantime, there were notices on the bulletin board that there is a Special Session at 2 pm today, introducing Vipassana Meditation by Goenka – how did I miss that? Maybe cuz I was fasting, or just in a pissy mood??) Fortunately, I am in the MH at 2 pm when I hear a bell – what’s that? Not the usual time. I look around at faces – no clues. I go in to meditate and Goenka tells us that focusing on the breath was sharpening the mind – leading up to Vipassana. Now we’re gonna do the real thing! AWRIGHT!

Now we are to focus our attention on feeling physical sensations in our body: start at “de top of de head and go down to de tip of de toes, passing over every part of the body”. (He outlines a specific procedure to follow). According to Goenka, every part of our body has sensations in it – our job is to feel/tune in to them.

Day 5. And that’s what we do for the rest of the course (of course, I don’t know that – I assume that other techniques will be introduced later.)

I get into it: gradually, I feel sensations over various parts of my body – mostly, they are tingling sensations – like, hello, yes, I am alive and functioning. Until now I mostly associated sensations with pain – when I hurt myself or feel achy. I never considered that these sensations were there all the time. I am quite entertained by mapping these sensations: some areas “tingle”, others feel opaque – I can’t feel anything there. Some areas are “clear & sunny”(tingling), others are cloudy – their density is intriguing: some are light (I can maneuver around & thru them), some more dense (my mind can’t penetrate them but feel the outer edges), others are like lightening – sharp & pointed – feels like a dagger, or a deeply rooted tree. When my consciousness probes it, I feel the pain acutely – often, it’s welcome pain – like a massage on sore muscles; other times, it’s overpowering – I can’t focus on anything else.

Anyway, this is new and exciting; however, after 2 days of the same sequence, I’m getting bored again. At dusk, I feel feisty – what to do? Ah, snow angels! I make several and then decide to share my joy – I make a couple beside the path to the Dining hall. FUN! I am also enjoying eating again.

Day 6. Yeah! Something new: Goenka instructs us to also go “from de tip of de toes to de top of de head”. Now we are to go in both directions. That keeps my attention for a day or so.

I look forward to the evening discourses: Goenka is a good speaker – he sits in a chair and talks for 75 minutes, no notes. He is entertaining, thot provoking and generally inspiring about the Vipassana technique.

WHAT’S THIS??? Under my snow angel, someone wrote (in the snow): “Snow Angel or Devil – Diablo”. I am dumbfounded – I’ve never heard of a snow devil. Then, under it all, someone wrote: “Equanimity”. That’s right – no judgment. Goodness, this stuff in the snow is becoming DRAMA.

Day 7. I remember that I am here because of those negative tapes I keep playing – how am I doing there? UFFDA! Not so well, here is a short snippet: I am in the dining hall and note that the person who arrived after me, did not pull the door completely shut. My reaction is immediate: WHAT THE HECK? YOU’VE BEEN HERE 7 DAYS AND NOT NOTICED YOU HAVE TO PULL THE DOOR TO CLOSE IT?? Whoa! Why is my reaction so strong? This person is not bombing kids in Iraq – he simply did not pull the door shut. Next: I am standing in the food line – “why is that person taking so long to decide what they want for breakfast? We have the same stuff every day – has he not figgered that out??? And then the other guy – why is he taking so much food? He does not need all that food. And why is he taking so much time with tea?? (Wait – am I in a hurry? Where am I going? To do what?)

I am constantly making judgments (negative) about people – why?

I have no answer – that’s why I’m here….

Day 8. I notice that I am eating mindfully. I eat very slowly, chewing a lot, taking the time to thank every person who has contributed to the food that I am eating. Just for fun, I count my chews – 199 on one stewed prune; 25 minutes to eat a bowl of granola. YUM!

BUT – I’m getting bored again with the meditation technique – OK, Goenka, I’m ready for the final installment of the technique. BUT instead of talking about meditation, he outlines the next 2 days – no new technique! Did I miss something?? Any hints I didn’t catch? It gradually seeps into my bones – THIS IS IT! How can it be? Feeling sensations in various parts of my body will lead to enlightenment?? I keep reviewing the technique & everything he has said – this is it.

OK, I go over it for the umpteenth time: it’s all about the mind-body connection and cravings & aversions. According to Goenka, when we experience physical sensations, eg a sound, we classify it as giving pleasure or the opposite; if pleasure, we want to duplicate it and so develop a craving for it; if it’s unpleasant, we have an aversion toward it and seek to avoid it. These cravings/aversions are biochemical reactions and are etched into our “hard drive”. Goenka calls these sankharas – it’s like tying an emotional knot. Then – when we experience new sensations, they trigger related cravings/aversions – already in our hard drive. This explains why sometimes our reactions are out of all proportion, eg, my experience in the dining hall I described in day 7 above. Both cravings & aversions create misery in our lives – the way out is to not have either. That’s easier said than done. The big question: how to get rid of sankharas and not generate new ones? The answer: equanimity! Or the state of being equanimous: from equal – no good/bad or right/wrong. IT JUST IS.

The whole technique is about sensing/feeling things as they are – not how we want them to be. If we have no judgment as to whether our experiences are right/wrong, then we will not have cravings or aversions… and thus no more sankharas! According to Goenka, when no more sankharas are generated, then the backlog of them get discharged during meditation. Those tingling sensations? they are light sankharas – like waves in the water; and then there are the DEEP ones – the knots – they are old/deep sankharas – they are etched in rock. But – if you meditate enough, all those old sankharas flow thru you and your load is lightened –until finally – you reach ENLIGHTENMENT!! According to Goenka, it will probably take several life times of meditating to get there….

DAY 9. I’m still getting used to the fact that this is all there is to it. I was looking for something more glamorous; altho I have to admit – achieving equanimousness is very challenging. When feeling sensations in my body, I constantly think of them as pleasure/pain: the tingling is pleasure, the hard knots are pain – I want to get rid of them. BUT in this paradigm, they are considered tools – a vehicle for moving stuff through the system – discharging sankharas.

In the morning meditation, Goenka intones: “as you continue this practice, you may get to the place where you don’t have any major knots and you are feeling sensations on every part of your body. In that case, you can go inside your body and feel sensations thru out the inside of your body, and then after that ….” He goes on to list various phases we may experience. I tune him out – it’ll take me years to get to that place (if EVER).

That afternoon, I’m meditating in my room, and suddenly, I’m there – the place Goenka talked about this morning! I can’t believe it! I thot it would take years to get there – now what?? I follow the instructions – I go inside my body – feeling sensations there – I’m totally HIGH. And I don’t encounter any dark spots or resistance – really? I check again and can’t find any resistance. I feel totally exhilarated and very light. Wait – it’s time for the afternoon session in the MH. I walk thru the maple grove – I feel so light – like half of normal gravity. My mind & body are buzzing. I’m very excited – this is the new ME – light & airy!

I’m wondering – should I ask the teacher about the phases Goenka talked about this morning because I might be there! Miraculously, Goenka repeats the same explanation in the next session. OH OH! I forgot something. He warns that if you get to the light body feeling, it is a precarious place – you think it’s gonna last – but remember – everything passes, nothing is permanent. Stay equanimous – OOPS – I think I blew it – within minutes, I feel myself crashing. I have massive pain: the clamp on my right ear extends through my head to the other side and then down my back. I am immobilized by this cramp/pain and can’t focus on any other sensations. This feels like instant karma. It was such chutzpah to think I had advanced so far – now, I’m paying for it (am I trapped in my old xian cosmology – you gotta pay for your sins?). By the end of the hour, I’m back to a more balanced and equanimous place. This too will pass – sooner than later, I’m praying – dang! I did it again! Not supposed to hope/pray something will pass – it’s another sankhara! I’m back in the dumps – will I ever make any progress? I lose my equanimity so easily.

Day 10. I’m feeling sad that it’s about over. Maybe becuz last nite I realized that to continue this process is gonna be a lot work – I have a huge backlog. But – what else is there? What other program can I think of to ease my negativity? I may as well try this – my stuff is definitely stirred up. I decide to continue this practice (Goenka’s suggestion is to meditate an hour in the morning and an hour at night every day for a year). I decide to give it 3 months.

At 10 am, Noble Silence ends. I’m thinking – we’ve become so used to this silence, people will probably not talk right away or only in hushed tones if they do. WRONG! I go to my room to meditate and the dormitory is BUZZING – maybe there are only a few people talking, but in contrast to the previous silence, the sounds seem to reverberate. I take refuge in the MH and note that there are about 5-10 others there (mostly older folx). Later, we talk about it, the transition was too sudden for us – we preferred to less noise. At lunch, we are all talking – I make sure I get to know a few guys that I find particularly interesting. That nite the dorm is buzzing with conversations.

During the evening meditation and next morning, Goenka gives us one last meditation exercise – for world peace, “let all beings be happy.” I’ve heard it before – from friends who have done Vipassana. I like it. But Goenka draws out the chanting and the words v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y – it’s excruciating & painful to listen to – a total turn off. I can’t wait for it to be over. I wonder: does this work in India? – certainly not here. Later, I check my reaction with another student – he had the same response – whew! at least, I’m not the only one.

Day 11. After a last Goenka discourse at 4:45 am and then breakfast at 6:30, it’s over. We clean our bedrooms & bathrooms, and volunteers clean all the common areas. The mood is effervescent. I don’t linger too long because I’ve scheduled an organic inspection on my way back home.

I’ve brought a bucket of sorghum for a donation to the kitchen at the Center. On impulse, I hand out small jars of sorghum to everyone I meet as I am leaving the dormitory and dining hall. Goenka had talked of service – to give for the joy of it – expecting nothing in return. We all experience that joy: giving/receiving.

BACK HOME. I’ve been home 2 weeks now and am continuing to meditate for an hour twice a day. Morning sessions feel more productive than evening ones (I’ve missed and/or cut short several evening ones). I feel a diminishing enthusiasm for the whole thing – but for now, I’m continuing.

Results?

• I feel lighter – like my karmic baggage is lessening…
• I am more aware of the mind-body connection – the interplay of energies between my mental and physical states.
• I am more aware of my body – how it feels, especially when I wake up, but also thru out the day. I am still amazed at the different sensations in various parts of my body and how they change: by the hour and day. (Also, I had assumed it would be easier to feel sensations in the more sensitive parts of my body – eg lips, nipples, penis, scrotum, anus. NOT SO! Exactly the opposite; in fact, I did not feel sensations there until after the course, when I meditated at home.)
• I fear that the edge of my mental sharpness is dulling: when I meditate now, I frequently double track – checking my physical sensations is on “auto pilot”, allowing my mind to wander…
• It seems that at least ¾ of the blockages/pain (sankharas?) I feel are on the right side of my body – the right ear no longer has a clamp on it, but that side of my head is often numb during meditation.

* I think I am less reactive – I check my automatic responses more quickly.

• I feel (hope?) I am less judgmental – I still notice the little things that people do that annoy me – but they don’t have the same weight – I can see more easily why folx do what they do & why they do them.
• I am aware of spending a lot of time/energy running scenarios thru my mind; in fact, I appear to be addicted to playing out future scenes in my head before they ever happen. I want to get it “right” – so I won’t feel embarrassed later. When I catch myself in this cycle, I try to STOP it – “don’t worry, I’ll get there…”
• Have I changed/am I a new person? Don’t worry – you’ll recognize me….

Ruminations:

• central contradiction: Goenka claims this method leads to ego dissolution; yet the whole process is one of self absorption: IT’S ALL ABOUT ME.
• Cosmology: the cultural cradle of Vipassana is India (Eastern), Hindu/Buddhism; I find myself comparing/translating it into the paradigm I grew up with – Western, Christian; eg, sankhara = sin; nirvana = heaven; pleasure/pain = good/evil, etc.

What do Farmers do in Winter?

Disclaimer:  I speak only for myself.

Short answer:  kick back, relax, and recharge (we put out a lot of energy in the growing season; like the earth & plants, winter is a time to draw inside, slow down, and let things be).

Details:  one of my priorities is recreation – ice skating, cross country skiing, reading, walking in the woods. When there is good ice to skate or snow to ski – better do it now because in these parts, it’s not to be taken for granted – it could melt, get snowed on, etc, in short, outdoor recreation comes first. In the photo below, we had plenty of ice, but it was quite warm; since we could not skate, we rode our bicycles on the ice on the pond.

Of course, there is work: cutting firewood, cooking, keeping up with housework & maintenance, stoking fires, etc. We heat all our buildings with food fires: 2 residences, a common house (kitchen, office), a green house, and a workshop – so we burn a lot of wood (and then there’s the wood to process sorghum & maple syrup). Also,  people travel during the winter to see family & friends, but the buildings need to be kept warm to keep water pipes and/or plants from freezing.

There are plenty of maintenance jobs: keeping buildings weather proofed, building bee boxes, plumbing repairs, etc. Items that may not come readily to mind:  planning next year’s crops – including seeds, cleaning some of last year’s seeds, making tempeh & mustard, market research,  etc.

Winter is also the time when there are organic/sustainable farming & gardening workshops and conferences. I will be going to conferences the next 2 weekends and will post on those. We are already doing maple syrup and taking care of honey bees (it’s a lot of work going thru the equipment in preparation for next year).

We also take time for personal growth:  catching up on reading (business & novels too!): at various times in our history, we put a lot of energy into a “retreat” – when our community would focus on long term goals, improving our interpersonal relationships, etc. We would invite an outside facilitator to introduce a new technique and work with us to clear the air between us. Lately, we have focused more on individual growth than a group process.

My next post is an example of a recent personal growth initiative.

A Hard Time for Honey Bees

Winter is the hardest time for honey bees. All other bees/wasps that I know of are solitary ones – ie. they do not go thru the winter as a group. In the fall, solitary bees/wasps hatch out a bunch of queens that mate and then crawl into a protected place to overwinter – under leaves, wood, in sheds, etc. In the spring, the queens that survive build  a nest, lay eggs, and feed the larvae all by themselves. When new ones hatch, they help and the group expands.

Honey bees are different – the queen and a cluster of bees (her entourage) overwinter together – which is why they make honey – so they have food to last thru the winter. One hive of bees may number 30-50,000 in the summer, but in the winter it may drop to 10% of that. At this time of year, the cluster is at its all time lowest (in the northern parts of the continent) since they cannot raise brood (baby bees) when it’s very cold. Now is the time the queens begin laying eggs again and the cluster builds up population. But it’s  delicate – if there is a cold snap and there are not enough bees to keep them warm, the brood die. On the other hand, since old bees keep dying, they need to raise new ones before the cluster gets too small.

So how are we doing this year? Just over half of them died over the winter (17 out of 32) – BUMMER! However to put it into perspective, this has been about our average loss ever since the varroa mites got to our bees in 1994; in fact, in the first few years we lost 70-90% of our hives during the winter. Varroa mites are parasites on honey bees (they originally came from Asia) – imagine having a parasite on your body about the size of a mouse – one is not so bad, but then if you have 5 or more, they sap your energy (perhaps a more apt comparison is a weakened immune system?) and then something simple like a cold – debilitates you or even kills you. Melodramatic? Back to the bees: picture a small cluster of bees in the dead of winter trying to keep themselves and their queen warm in subzero temperature, add on a bunch of mites and one night, there simply is not enough energy to survive.

What to do? Reduce the mite load – that’s been the name of the game for the last 15 years. There are chemicals (and I’ve used them a few times) but even they are short term – the mites evolve resistance. There are various “softer” ways to control mites: powdered sugar, essential oils, screened bottom boards, mineral oil, acids – oxalic, lactic, formic, thymol, etc. I’ve tried most of them and they help (I’m no longer losing 90%!) but I’d sure like to do better than 50%!

I looked in on our surviving hives on Feb 10 – it was 70 F! At this time of year, I don’t really like to open them up – unless I feel there is a good reason- all I can do is make sure they have plenty of honey. I did give a few hives some of the honey I salvaged from hives that died. And I just had to peek in on a few clusters:  sure enough, the queens were laying eggs! It’s such a thrill to see them starting the cycle again – ever hopeful – they know spring is coming! Goodness gracious! some bees are already bringing in pollen (elm trees are typically the first to flower here) – I don’t remember ever seeing pollen this early! They LOVE feeding their babies fresh pollen – kinda like us appreciating a fresh salad from our green house to go along with all the canned, dried, & frozen food we are eating now. One cluster is very small – BUT the queen is laying eggs. awright! I tell them that I will try to get them some help (find bees from a strong colony and give them some). I search around various hives – no one wants to give up any of their members – sorry, y’all will have to make it on your own. the best to you!

Maple Sugaring

I began this blog about a year ago – with a posting about making maple syrup  – 2/2/08. For more info on the process, see that post. This year, we tapped the trees on Jan 31. I usually like to wait until Feb, but Jan 31 was a gorgeous day – couldn’t pass it up.

This is being the strangest weather year that I remember since we began maple sugaring 22 years ago. How so? This last week we went from 0 degrees to 60s in 3 days; worst of all, the temperature went below freezing only 1 out of the last 5 days. For the maple sap to run, the temperature needs to yoyo:  above and below freezing. If it stays warm for too long – the buds on the trees open and the sap stops flowing. Most often, I’m not sure when exactly we are at that point; sometimes, it takes a few days or a week to make sure.

The photo is of Renay sucking sap from a tree – she loves sucking the sap straight from the tree – it is very dilute – looks & tastes mostly like water.

Since the weather turned very warm suddenly, I expected the sap to flow abundantly – WRONG. It didn’t happen – it flowed very little.

This year we tapped 55 trees – about 110 taps (I didn’t count) – we usually average about 2 taps per tree – some have 3, others only 1 – depending on their size. On 2/8, we collected 40 gallons of sap and we boiled it down today – that should make about a gallon of finished syrup. Next week we are supposed to have perfect maple weather – nights below freezing, daytimes above. Sure hope it flows then!

Farm Crop Seeds

My last post indicated that we buy most of our vegetable seeds from seed companies;  someone asked why not save your own? It reminded me how different it is for the crops that we plant in fields – with farm equipment. We save virtually all the  seeds we plant. So why the difference?

Our field crops are sorghum, soybeans, black beans, pinto beans, wheat, oats, mustard, popcorn, field corn, and for cover crop only – buckwheat & hairy vetch (all of these crops add up to about 15 acres). We harvest these crops for the grain/seed. The seeds for planting these crops are the same as the parts of the plants we eat – so it is no extra work. Most of these crops are harvested with our combine and we simply save some for planting the next crop. The popcorn & corn are picked and shelled by hand: the quantities are small – only for own use. Sorghum – we cut the seed heads off in the field and leave them on the ground when we are harvesting the crop for the stalks for syrup. We come back later and pick up some of the mature heads and throw them into the combine which threshes out the seed.

With vegetable production, what is harvested for eating is generally not the seed. With some crops, we do set apart a small part  for seed production – eg peas,  snap beans, lettuce, spinach; however, most of the time, we are more interested in harvesting the edible parts of the plants – especially as long as the seeds are readily available. Further, for seed production, many plants need isolation distances from other crops in the same family to prevent cross pollination. It all adds up to careful planning and considerable work – it’s much easier to just eat the veggies!

Occasionally, I do purchase seeds for farm crops as well; eg I’d been using our own soybeans for seed for about 20 years and noticed that gradually they were  getting more fungal spots on them – so I bought new seed. Some of the sorghum varieties cross pollinated and so after 6-7 years, I bought some new seed; also the sorghum varieties that we prefer for syrup production are long season ones developed in the South – sometimes, the seeds do not mature in this northern climate. Seeds from crops such as hard winter wheat,  soft winter wheat, oats, popcorn, buckwheat, clover, vetch, etc appear to not lose vigor – in fact, they become adapted to our particular climate and actually do better than many seeds grown in other climates.

In the agribiz model, seed companies spend a lot of money developing special seeds for industrial purposes (eg waxy corn and now there is a new variety especially for ethanol) and genetically modifying them to withstand applications of herbicide and/or withstand pest problems. I stay as far away from those as possible!

The Seed Order Ritual

This is the time of year when the gardeners in our community order vegetable seeds for the coming year – I am actually not one of the participants but I love observing it and being part of the larger discussion.

It starts around xmas time when this year’s seed catalogs begin arriving; most of the catalogs can now be viewed on line as well, but many of us prefer to peruse the offerings on paper in front of us. It’s so much fun! Looking at photos of  colorful, tantalizing – even voluptuous vegetables and then the descriptions – positively poetic!

Discussion continues for several weeks:  reviewing what last year’s favorite brocolli, peppers, lettuce, tomato, etc. were.  Some varieties are not available every year – panic – what to do? “Remember that small yellow tomato we liked so much last year? It’s not listed this year!” A lot of research follows – comparing catalogs  from the different companies. And then there is the organic factor:  if at all possible, we like to and, in fact, have to purchase organic seeds – our entire farm is certified organic. But then there is cabbage – virtually no organic seeds continue to be available.

We order most of our seeds from Fedco, Southern Exposure, High Mowing, and Seeds of Change. When possible, we support local (Missouri) companies such as Baker Creek and Morgan County.

After considerable discussion, they get down to the nitty gritty:   Gigi, Kathe, & Michael have divided up all the vegetable crops and each of them then select which seeds they will order from each company. And then we hope that all the seeds ordered will still be in supply – one of the reasons we like to order early.

A new thing we are doing this year is launching a school seed store – a program offered by Fedco. Modeled after the Girl Scout cookie sale, student take home a list of the most popular vegetable seeds offered for sale (determined by Fedco), orders are added up and then a bulk purchase is made. The company splits the profits of the sale with the school group. We hope it will actually make some money,  stimulate student interest, and in general, foster discussion of the importance of local and good quality food.

Ethics of eating meat

So much has been written on this topic – what could i possibly have to offer? no moral/philosophic issues here – only personal experiences & ruminations. This continues themes begun in my last post on hunting.

At Sandhill, we take pride in our food and feel that eating what we grow is the healthiest of all – which includes homegrown meat. Currently, most of the meat we eat is venison (with some homegrown chicken & turkey). Ok, the venison is not exactly homegrown– it is harvested on ours and surrounding land.

Why eat meat at all? We have plenty sources of protein in our diet – especially tempeh (homemade) and dried beans. We usually grow our own black and pinto beans (& sometimes red or white beans ); however, the deer also like our beans and frequently, they eat so many that we do not have enough.  Recently, I noted that the organic black beans we purchased through our food buying club came from China! That’s outrageous! Eating local venison feels much more righteous and sustainable than beans from China.

Further:  we feel that we are in touch with our bodies, diet, and how well we digest foods:  most of us note that we digest homegrown meat better than beans (& especially imported ones!).

A curious observation: we have many visitors/interns here, who are vegetarians or vegans:  quite a few try the venison. Somehow, eating meat from wild rather than domesticated animals appears more in line with their values. Why? I’m not sure – i suspect that folx feel weird about eating animals with names (most of us farmers name our animals) – maybe like eating pets?  I often respond:  “i’d rather eat an animal that i’ve scratched behind the ears…(ie. had a personal relationship with), which is true – but i’m also consciously pushing them to examine their assumptions).

Most of us have not had the opportunity to eat wild and/or sustainably harvested meat. I grew up a farm that raised animals – we butchered our own poultry, hogs, and beef. The line between domestic and wild animals is blurred for me; however, a vegetarian’s preference for wild game also feels consistent.

Here’s an ongoing personal dilemma:  prior to 4 weeks ago, i had not hunted for 42 years – the actual killing was a lasting negative experience. Yet when i field dressed and supervised butchering 3 weeks ago, I enjoyed it – having my hands in blood & guts was PRIMAL – & somehow more enjoyable than harvesting broccoli or carrots – is that weird?

I don’t know – but it’s me. To meat or not to meat: in my world, there is no high moral ground here…

Deer Hunting

Relax – no photos on this post.

I spent the last week deer hunting – the last time I hunted was 42 years ago. Why after all these years am I now hunting again?

Background: I grew up on a farm where hunting was a rite of passage for teenage boys. I went with the guys halfheartedly – but i was never really into it. I managed to never actually kill anything.

Now i’ve been living at Sandhill Farm for 28 years. Our ethic is to eat food that we raise ourselves. We often have vegetarians living here though most of us are omnivores. We have chickens & turkeys and used to have a milk cow and often eat her offspring; occasionally, someone would raise a couple of pigs. We do not buy meat. We gave up having a cow a few years ago and now depend on venison for most of our meat (we keep our chickens for eggs and slaughter old hens only every 3 years or so.) Since we did not have our own beef anymore, we turned to deer – a very plentiful resource around here.

A former member hunted deer while here and our son, Ceilee, who was born here, began hunting when in high school. After these two left, we had no hunters – but had grown fond of venison. For several years, we received deer as gifts from other hunters (friends & neighbors), who enjoyed hunting and shot more deer than they wanted to eat. Sometimes, we allowed them to hunt on our land – after all, deer are the main pests in our field crops.

While we appreciated the deer (we always did our own butchering), it was not quite as satisfying as having the venison “harvested” by folx living here. Sometimes the deer came from our farm, sometimes not. This year, a new member, Jacob, wants to hunt (and has a gun). He asks me for help field dress and butcher – to which i happily assented. The more i think about it, the more i realize that it would somehow feel more complete if i hunt myself – to live off the fat of the land (the deer always feed on our beans out in the fields; some years, they harvest all of our beans and/or popcorn – leaving us nothing.

I hunt for a week: the routine is to get up at 5am, build a fire in the kitchen stove, have coffee & toast, get dressed and out the door by 6 when it’s just beginning to get light. Then walk to my chosen spot of the morning & sit in a comfy hunting shack or under a tree by major deer paths and wait…. what a glorious feeling to wake up with the earth and watch shapes and shadows gradually take form in the growing light – reminds me of Aldo Leopold’s A Sand County Almanac.

i hear rustling and all my senses are alerted – where? what? coming my way?? gradually, i realize that i’m hearing squirrels and/or turkeys. after an hour or so, as the sun is coming up, i’m cold (it’s in the 20s). i spend the next hour or two walking along deer paths thru woods or along the edges between fields & woods. Occasionally, i scare a deer and they merrily bound away as they show me their bright white tails…  In the late afternoon (3-4pm), i repeat the sequence – except in reverse – i walk first and then sit in one spot for the last hour or so.

SO – WHAT HAPPENED? i shot at 4 or 5 deer: of course, i expected them to drop in their tracks; instead, they bounded off – unscathed. Jacob shot one deer and i found one that had recently been shot – no idea by who – i decided the meat was still good. they are both hanging in our cooler, waiting to be cut up.

Ruminations

The first few days i am very intent on getting a deer – but i have a lot of time for observations and quiet reflections. i find myself praying to the deer deva/pan/goddess that a deer would “offer” itself to me. gradually, those supplications appear trivial and ego gratifying; after all, we do not depend on venison to stay alive. do i really expect some robust & vivacious deer to go: “ah yes, sweet stanley, since you ask so politley, i will joyfully give up my life for your succulent lips and ego gratification…”?

Gradually, i come to appreciate my time in the woods – a time to be alone with critters i don’t usually hang out with – as well as my own uninterrupted ruminations. Some people pay a lot of money to “get away from it all”…. I tune into my “stream of consciousness”: whoa buddy, there appears to be a lot of negativity here – what’s that about? YIKES! there’s a deer! i walked right past it! SHIT! i’m supposed to be “hunting”, instead, i’m working out some internal crap…  ok, back to nature: i’m appreciating the bright blue sky, fluffy clouds, the crunch of dead leaves under my boots, the squirrels & crows scolding me…

This blissed out phase evaporates as i return to the house – empty handed. The looks in the eyes and voices of my fellow communards are queries: “get any?” “Nope.” Sometimes, i relate details of how and when i startled deer, stalked them for awhile, but in the end, they got away. We all make the best of it, but the sense of failure lingers – in spite of reminding myself what a great time i’ve had communing with nature.

After a few days, i get over the idea that i need to get a deer to make this a worthwhile experience. Really! I am having a good time in the woods. And I remember the many times Ceilee would come back to the house – empty handed. In retrospect, i recognize the combination of emotions in his face: nope, i didn’t get any – but i’m still having a good time being out there. BUT – that hint of failure is still there (what exactly is that about anyway?).

Then – i feel a connection with other hunters (NOT with trophy hunters); however, i know plenty of local hunters, who i now have a shared experience with. I decide to call Roger, an old friend, who taught Ceilee to hunt. i invite him over to hunt. why? i wanna know more about how other folks do this trip. Also, i’ve been using Jacob’s gun and sometimes we both want to hunt at the same time. I ask Roger to borrow a rifle. He brings one of his old ones – with a telescope mounted on it. WOW! i can actually see exquisite details several hundred yards away. this ought to make hunting easy! center the deer’s heart in the cross hairs of the scope – bingo!

NOT! i went out with that rifle for 3 days and never fired it – the only deer i saw were running away from me. After a week of hunting season, the remaining deer are very wary and stay out of sight.

So here we are – 2 deer – we were hoping for 4-5 to supplement our diet for a year.

BUT – there’s another 8 day hunting season next month….

End of the Growing Season

My feelings about the agricultural season drawing to a close are ambivalent: endings are often poignant but i also have a sense of closure when putting things to rest – see you next year! Also, i welcome the rest. While crops are growing, they seem to need constant attention and it’s hard to get a rest.

Of course, the growing season does not end abruptly – in fact, it’s virtually impossible to name a date – but

brussel sprouts

mid-November is as good as any in this part of the country. We have had a warm fall this year and we currently still have crops growing in the garden – broccoli (we harvested some yesterday) leeks, turnips, carrots, kale, and brussel sprout – see photo on right. We have not begun harvesting these yet but it’s time now!

Some crops are planted in the fall for harvesting next year such as garlic and wheat – see photo below. The grass like plants in the foreground is winter wheat – planted in early October (after the sorghum harvest) and will be harvested about July 4, 2009. The corn from the  corn stalks in the background was harvested (by hand) in early November – we will grind the corn and use the corn meal for grits, polenta, tortillas, etc.

This is the time of year when the sun’s strength wanes, freezing temperatures, and the earth prepares to rest and replenish it’s energy. Some critters grow warm coats while others prepare to hibernate. We humans prepare as well: harvest the last of the fall crops, bring in firewood, etc. I look forward to getting cozy on the couch by the wood stove with a good book – at least that’s the fantasy. The fact is that i find it hard to slow down – there’s always email to check, internet research…. In the meantime, pass the brussel sprouts please.

Sorghum harvest

Sorghum harvest is definitely a highlight of the year at Sandhill – it is the time when friends, folks from other communities, and new people come to help us with the harvest – making it a time of celebration and making the work enjoyable – even festive.  Having a large group of people work together on a common task/project is an amazing experience. It also has a nostalgic feel to it: this is how farm folx in the past often worked together, helping each other, thus building community.

Now to the nitty-gritty: what do we do? In the photo to the right, you can see the sorghum plants in the background – they appear very similar to corn but have no ear and have a seed head at the tip. We strip the leaves off by hand (with gloves!), remove the seed head, and then cut the canes at the bottom of the plant with machetes and lay them in small piles in the field to “dry”. They dry for 3-10 days  which serves 2 functions: the sorghum canes actually dry – ie. they lose moisture (thus decreasing cooking time) and when the canes are cut, enzymes in the stalk change some of the starches to sugar which is what we are after.

We pick up the canes and load them on wagons – as we are doing in the photo. The wagons of cane are taken to the sorghum press and squeezed/pressed to extract the juice – as seen in the photo below. The press is about a 100 years old and driven/powered by our jaunty old tractor named Kestor (made in 1939) via a long flat belt as can be seen in the photo. The juice is collected in 3 stainless steel tanks, allowed to “settle” (2- 4 hours), and then flows in a plastic hose down to sugar shack where we boil the juice down to concentrate it to a syrup.

How is the juice boiled? Traditionally, it was boiled in a flat pan on top of an open wood fire to concentrate it – similar to maple syrup. We made sorghum that way from 1977 – 2004. Now we use a wood fired steam boiler to generate steam which flows through the copper pipes – as can be seen in the photo on the right. The juice boils vigorously and we remove the “skimmings” – undissolved proteins that impart a bitter taste to the syrup. When the syrup reaches the proper density (similar to honey), we open a drain valve to allow the syrup to run out of the pan and pump it through a cooler and into a barrel and then we bottle the syrup.

This description is a synopsis: there are many details difficult to describe; however, there is a lot of magic in the entire process: harvest – we rely on many people coming to help with the harvest; timing: the sorghum plants need to be mature, dry the proper time and then be processed into syrup and bottled – all in a timely manner. And when it all flows…. the process is very affirming and the product is glorious – rich, earthy, complex, delectable!

We have an annual sorghum festival – a combination of celebrating the sorghum harvest and an open house for Sandhill Farm. To view photos from this year’s festival, go to our website: sandhillfarm.org